Heart out

This entry is not a recreation.
It is not really a Crosswor(l)ds entry either. There is nothing even remotely 'crossed' in what I am going to say. It is coming straight from the heart, just because sometimes - it is what you have to do.

Monday night.
A sleepless night, a long, hazy day of sadness and sorrow behind me. Things are tough right now, have been for a while, and it's just the way things sometimes are. You - I - can cry, yell, scream, wonder, bang your -my - head on the walls all you -I - want but sometimes, yes, sometimes there is nothing you or I can possibly do. You just have to accept the hand you were dealt, and try to play it anyway.

Without throwing all the cards up in the air, calling it quits or trying to be convinced that you have been cheated.
And that's fine.
These are the rules of the game.

But still.
I am tired of these rules. Because I am here to play, and fully ready - and prepared - not to win every single time - but surely, it has to be stated somewhere in the big Book of All Rules that you cannot lose every time either?!?
Right?

I haven't been near a math textbook for years. Last year of high school.
16 years.
Being an economics major I spent a good chunk of my Terminale studying statistics. I hated it, of course. Numbers were never made for me. Too sharp. No flexibility, subtle interpretation, or hidden sensuality. Lines, angles and squares. But as dry and, well, predictable as they are, they are reassuring. And I take solace in knowing that things will eventually turn around - if there is no other reason, at least because mathematically, logically they have to.
That's soothing.

People tell me about how you supposedly make your own chance.
I understand the soundness of the concept. I even agree with it to some extent. But I find it utterly offensive when the only answer one is being given in time of disarray and hardship is to think positive.
'Cause I have news for you: it doesn't cut it.
And if you insist, you are just insensitive and totally out of touch with the world as it goes.

I don't really believe in chance. But I want to believe in karma, or at the least the bastardized, simplified, Westernized version of it.
As a human being I do have my weaknesses and my short-comings. But fundamentally I am a good person. I always try to give out my best, without - precisely - counting. No premeditation, scheming or plotting involved. I am genuine in my likes and dislikes. I aim at pleasing. I have deep morals. Strong work ethics. I do my best to be accepting of the Other in its many appearances and all its embodiments. Race, color, religion, sexual orientations are easy to transcend. But the Other is also so much more, and often much closer to us than we thought.
And the hardest to really embrace.

But I find that being nice, open, smiling and yes, even positive hasn't taken me anywhere. If I were a cynic I would vow here and now to change my ways and become a selfish bitch. Because when I look around these seem to be the successful ones in life. Along with the wicked, crooked, corrupted and heartless souls of this world.
What is it in being BAD that make you attractive to people? The more dismissive, intolerant, opinionated, hurtful, loud and obnoxious you are - the more attention you get. The more drama you create, the more worthy you become. This is reverse logic, and one I don't understand - do people want to be entertained, do we all have a secret need to take care of seemingly lost and childish individuals, do we really admire the lawless, unscrupulous ones? I am not really sure.
.............
I just know that I don't want to change my nature to find my place in the sun. I can toughen up, have and still do - but not to the point of losing my sense of compassion and care towards people around me.

I have been rewarded with the presence and love of some extraordinary people who understand and value who I am. I am grateful for them, and shouldn't probably ask for more.
But I am. Just a bit.
Please.
I'll be thankful.
That's a promise.